she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
