I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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