I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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