hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My breasts were aching with rage.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
