I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
