dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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