I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
