I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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