Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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