If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
