i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
pop tarts are not kleenex
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
