I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
