sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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