i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
