He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
