it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
