I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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