I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
