Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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