Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
