Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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