Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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