I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
