Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
