the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
