It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
