I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
