She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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