Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
