I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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