put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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