1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
