Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
