Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
