I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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