I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
