I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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