I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
