ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
