just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
