I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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