What a fucking waste of an outfit
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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