I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
