i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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