You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
