Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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