I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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