youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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