In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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