Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
