hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
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