My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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