I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
