You really coming over, don't trick.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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